


Last Christmas

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Ethan Gold Bashing, Points of View, Romance, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-27
Updated: 2005-12-27
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:19:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set during the Ethan episode. It's Christmas Eve and both of our boys are lonely as hell. And then they meet while snow is falling.





	Last Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Well, what can I say. We were having guests for dinner and I went like : Omg, I neeeeed to write something down!! So I ran upstairs and wrote. It might be a bit rough around the edges, since I just wrote it and will post it immediately, but anyway..let me know what you think.  
  
Dedicated to Leslie, who means the most.  


* * *

JUSTINS POV

_______ My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies/Fairytales of yesterday will grow, but never die/ I can fly – my friends_______

Sometimes I thought that I could fly. I'd lay on our duvet and spread my arms, just falling high from the nearness of him. I always felt like someone. People think that being with a great man like Brian means that you have to sacrifice who you are for who you must become. The price to pay. But that's not love, that's sacrifice. 

People think that I sacrificed my essence, my soul. But the thing is, Brian never let me change who I was to fit in. I began to live with him, for him, in him. People don't know about love the Brian Kinney way, the most amazing love you can ever feel. It was the love that will keep you warm at nights like these. 

These nights that feel so empty, because I threw the warmth away. I walked out on both our hearts, if my soul tells me anything. The days in which, when I see Brian, his eyes seem empty. I don’t think anyone notices but me. He loved me, I know that now. Too little, too late.  
Am I right to use past tense?

The snow will start to fall tonight, as will my tears in this bed that isn’t ours. This bed that is his. I lay in it with a boy I don’t even like very much. I lay with a battered body and a battered heart next to an asshole that has caused the first. I myself have caused the second. I wonder what he’s feeling 

at nights like these.

{ and if I fall through these nights I can’t seem to go on/just a sign that you’re with me gives me the strength to go on. }

BRIANS POV

______You were all I had______

At nights like these the loft feels as empty as my heart. At nights like these the beating of my heart seems to loud to bear. I fell deeply for him, until I hit rock bottom hard. 

Heart. Isn’t it a coincidence that the words ‘heart’ and ‘hard’ are so alike? NO. 

I’ll keep on loving him, even after he is gone. How I wish I could tell him that.  
You know, Jack, I’d love to blame you. And I do – in a way. In the same way I know that I am just a coward and unworthy of a love so amazing as the one he’s willing to give me.   
Am I right to use the present tense?

{Inside my heart is breaking/My make-up may be flaking/but my smile/still stays on}

I am dying inside. Nobody knows it but me   
and him.   
Justin could always see – the real – me. The one beneath the façade of lines and attitude. He – loves me for who I am. Not for who I am expected to be.

I am tired of it all. But don’t tell anyone I said that. Tell him. 

Tell him everything about me, everything that makes my heart beat for him the way it does.   
Make him come home to me and this lonely mind that keeps on thinking.

The mind that’s in need of fresh air and a bottle of Jim.

*

{ This is for the ones who have lost it all/ and all that’s left to gain/is a simple reminder/that the things that we’re blind to slip away}

It’s not that I was blind and didn’t see what I had. It’s that I saw that the one who holds my heart would be happier with another. So what’s left?

I am wandering through these empty streets, illuminated by the streetlights that hold my memories. 

The snow is falling and I remember our last winter. The snowflakes that fell on his nose,only to be kissed away immediately by my reddened lips. After he felt we were frozen enough (there’s no such thing as enough, except when it comes to freezing your ass off), we returned to the loft and snuggled in front of our imaginary fireplace. Warming up by just being together.

I won’t think about anymore, because damnit, I won’t cry on Chrismas Eve.

I wander through the alleys and make my way to the park and feel my breath catch. Because he’s here, he’s ...

he’s so goddamn beautiful. I smile a little as I tuck a blond strand behind his ear.  
To be rewarded with a full out sunshine smile that knocks me off my feet.

Tell him that I miss his smile. I miss waking up with his body curled into mine, his breath lightly caressing my chest. I miss dancing with him, the way we moved as one, the knowing that people were wondering where one begun and ended. 

I miss him most. 

Snowflakes fall on his nose and, ceasing to think rationally, I kiss them away. He leans into the touch of my hand on his left cheek and raises his face to me. Presses his lips to mine and then we

fly.


End file.
